Communicating sexual needs.


When it is appropriate to communicate my sexual needs?

I am new to the D/s experience and I don’t know when it is appropriate to communicate my sexual needs.  To be honest, I’ve just faked it most of the time in my vanilla relationships.  I don’t want to lie about this with partners anymore.  I don’t want to pretend anymore.

Penetration doesn’t do much for me – I enjoy it but it’s not ever going to get me to orgasm without any clitoral stimulation. Also, I prefer be allowed to orgasm before penetration so that I don’t have to think about it, or worry about the fact that he is going to want me to, and I won’t be able to … and then that leads to not being able to at all. When does one broach this with a new partner? It’s not something I feel is necessary to share with any potential Dom I start talking to – only the ones that I will get sexually intimate with are the ones that deserve to know this. How do I bring this up in conversation before any sexual contact is made?

How do I talk about this and not sound like trying to take control? “I only like this and this and I only can cum like this, and don’t bother doing that because it doesn’t work” …

I think it is worse to bring it up after first sexual contact has been made, because it might sound like a criticism of their performance.

I can’t figure out how to start this conversation after so many years of denying there is a problem to begin with.


There are several issues to address to this question.

i can relate to this predicament. i didn’t cum until i was 26 years old and i didn’t realize i hadn’t cum before i actually did.  i always enjoyed sex.  and then i thought, “i can only do it when i do this and this and not this…”, so i have been there, done this…

Trust and open, honest communication is key to a D/s relationship.  It is a foundation to any good/healthy relationship.

When you are negotiating a scene with a Dom before you play, i would include the question “Are you going to ask or want me to cum?” because even if they aren’t going to penetrate you, a Dom/Domme might want you to cum for them,  unless you are negating a scene of bdsm technique experiences without any sensuality included. If the Dom/Domme says “yes” then i would answer “It is my experience that i need clitoral stimulation to cum.  i request to be able to do (fill in the blank here).”

The other aspect you need to consider is that a Dom/Domme may not accept your request.  “No sex” can be a hard limit but you can’t make or control a Dom/Domme into doing it your way.  That is anarchy and leads to chaos.  i recommend you relax and go with the flow, have fun, accept that after you have made your “i cum this way” statement, things will turn out however they do.

i’d also be open to the possibility that a Dom/Domme may have experience and knowledge to share with you how to make women cum that you haven’t experienced yet. 😉