When is it submissive?


What makes a person a submissive (identity) as opposed to someone who likes kinky sex?

I have had submissive fantasies since … well, since I was a “user violation.” I’ve played a little with boyfriends and sexual partners, but we ever named it or got heavily into actions that might be called ‘hard-core”.

In life, I’m a confident and capable person. So, it has always been odd to have bottom-y/submissive sexual feelings coexisting with my general attitude that I don’t take shit from anyone.

I’m confused about what label I should apply to myself.  If I get myself into the right frame of mind, I can top, and have some fun topping, but it isn’t something I get hot and bothered about.  When submitting, I have no desire to submit to anyone who doesn’t see me as an equal. I like the idea of choosing to “play” submit to someone whom I share respect with. I like intense play that involves submission for the duration of a preset amount of time.

Am I a switch? Am I submissive? Do I just like kinky sex?


A submissive surrenders control of her body and behavior (sometimes with preset limits) to another for erotic play and a Dom is the person given control in a consensual exchange of power.

What is missing from this sentence and from your dialogue for me, is any mention of derived pleasure from being on either side.  You don’t speak of deriving sexual pleasure from the giving of pain, humiliation and/or domination. Nor do you don’t speak of deriving pleasure from giving service to a Dom.

Without that *zing* that floats your boat on either side, in my opinion, it is kinky sex.  and there is nothing wrong with liking that. 😉 

Have fun.  Be safe.