Determining which side to play on


I was taken to a BDSM play party by a friend. I liked it. I am interested in playing. How do I know which side to play on?



This is not an easy question to answer. There isn’t any formula to follow or a test to take. There is no lazy man’s answer or guidelines to follow.

First of all, I believe that participating in the BDSM lifestyle is a calling. The song sings to you or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, continue being vanilla. There is nothing wrong or bad regarding being vanilla.

I’m wondering what your dreams and fantasies are? Ever tie up your friends? Ever ask to be tied up? Ever found yourself being bad to get a spanking? Ever spank your sex partner out of instinct? What do you imagine as a scenerio when you are masterbating?

When you were at the play party, what interested you? Were you more drawn to the person flogging another person or did you relate more to the person being caned? How did you feel about the person barking in the cage? Did you want a pet of your own to command?

If you don’t know the answers to these questions, I suggest that you attend a few more bdsm play parties and observe your reactions and feelings more. You could also find a Dom or Domnia that in private session will arrange for you to experience both sides and see which one you like best and what rocks your world.

For me, being a submissive is self-serving. I have a need to serve others. I need pain and I need someone to inflict pain on me. I need and crave discipline. It calls to me. I am grateful to have a Dom allow me to serve Him. The whip sings a song that brings me to my knees and I kiss the boots of the man whom commands the whip, for He is being so gracious as to give me the opportunity to be there used by Him. i ask permission to kiss His boot to display my honor of Him and i give gifts of tribute to Him.

i had a conversation with a Dom who has been in the scene as long as i, someone i have served and respect his perspective on the bdsm lifestyle about your question and His answer was:

I think it’s something that’s just hardwired into
someone’s personality. Probably the easiest way for
someone to figure out which side they lean toward is
to examine their fantasy lives. In their fantasies,
they will assume the role that is right for them. If
they are honest enough with themselves to accept and
recognise what it is, they answer their own question.
Oh, and remember, this isn’t necessarily a binary
scenario. It’s more than possible to be both dominant
*and* submissive under different circumstances, and
with different partners. There are really no shortage
of Switches out there…


It really comes down to you doing the soul searching. No one can do it for you. There isn’t any easy answer. You must look within yourself and be honest.

Be safe. have fun!